which is great, but we both have our own houses, i have spent alot of time/money on getting my house and garden just right and i really love it, my house belongs to my mum where i live rent free, so if i moved out she would be able to rent out and make quite a bit of money a month, which of course would be great for her, but i have a whole house full of furniture which my b/f isnt willing to have in his house as he says he already has furniture,(i guess i could put it into storage until we buy a house together) his garden is small and i love having a veggie patch...ahhh what should i do??? its a bit of a catch 22 situ!
My boyfriend wants me to move in with him, but?
ask him to move in with you??
Reply:I think you should get some respect for yourself and NOT play house with this man . PERIOD.
Reply:Stay where you are. Unless he is willing to marry you, which would provide you with more security, do not give up that house just to move in with him. If he broke up with you a year from now you might not get that house back, or even if you did it could all be changed by the people who moved in.
Reply:I'm in a similar situation. i am moving into my partners house (have been practically living there for the last 6 months) we are planning on getting somewhere together in the summer. my large items of furniture and appliances are being stored until then. our plan is to asses which items to keep when we have a better idea of space and which items neither of us can be without.
is it a case of there not being room for your furniture or about him not wanting it in his house ? is this going to be that case with everything of yours? you need to sit down and seriously discuss all of this with him
good luck hun x
Reply:sure, it would be good for your mum to have that extra income, but she wouldn't really know what sort of tenants she'd get until they moved in. the house could end up like a rubbish tip, or it could be perfectly cared for - you just never know! as you're having doubts, i'd say stay put. it's a huge thing to give up your home %26amp; move in with someone else. %26amp; you don't even know if you COULD live together. i'm sorry if i sound like a pessimist, but you'd be giving up so much. you've done a lot to your home, you've got it how you want it, you've got your familiar things around you. do you really want to give all that up? i'd be more cautious because of your boyfriend's attitude as well. he doesn't want you to bring any of your furniture etc; so what's he giving up? i may be an old cynic, but it sounds to me he's going to keep his life etc as it is, with the added bonus of a live-in housekeeper! please think very carefully about it %26amp; think of yourself first. it isn't being selfish; it's more like self-preservation. good luck, diane.
Reply:he seems mean for not letting you move in your stuff. why would you wanna move in with someone like that?
Reply:I think you should stay in your houses until you get married and then after you get married get a house for the both of you and you can have your own stuff if you have Jobs and went to college???
I'm not judging
Reply:Stay where you are, until you find a house that you can buy together.
Reply:you need to talk openly and honestly and write down the pros and cons of each others house and decide which has would serve you better if you think you and your boyfriend will get married which house would be suitable for kids ect, a little comprimise on both parts can easily be done if you are willing to listen to each others views and im sure you can use both bits of furniture ect just listen and comprimise, good luck
Reply:if you have doubts, which u clearly do, then stay were u are until u are 100% sure.
i wud advise living together before buying a house together tho. i no a few ppl who have bought houses 2gether and then realised they cant live 2gether.
Reply:Either ask him to come to yours ( it sounds an easy sell!) of wait , he may change his ideas.
Reply:It seems to me he wants it all on his terms, and doesn't care what you want. Do you really want to move in with someone who is so selfish? Once you give it up you can never get it back the same.
Reply:Hello, You feel you will not be happy when or if you move in with b/f, Why don't you buy your mothers house between the two of you that way you get what you need and the b/f gets what he needs your mum gets the cash she needs. Bingo all live happily ever after. Good luck.xx
Reply:Ask your boyfriend to put his house up for sale, and put your money into helping him buy a place that fits both of you. In that way neither fo you lives in the others house, but one you both want. This is called compromise.
Reply:So the question is, how bad do you (want) to move in with him? There's your answer.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Giving Cats Pills.......................?
INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.
Giving Cats Pills.......................?
Ha! My vet showed me how to give my cat pills. It took him 2 seconds but I did it your way...
Reply:cool
Reply:ha ha ha funny
Reply:Brilliant. lol ☺
Reply:So true. Hahahahaha
Reply:LOL :-)
Reply:nice one
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.
Giving Cats Pills.......................?
Ha! My vet showed me how to give my cat pills. It took him 2 seconds but I did it your way...
Reply:cool
Reply:ha ha ha funny
Reply:Brilliant. lol ☺
Reply:So true. Hahahahaha
Reply:LOL :-)
Reply:nice one
Wondering if I should get married or not, My fiance of 2 years will not do anything in house.?
He moved in with me last October, and when you ask him to do something, well it is always maybe, I have just finished painting %26amp; decorating our bedroom %26amp; livingroom ok he did do the bedroom ceiling but he is 6ft 5in compared to my 5ft 1in He is also 38 and I am 49 years of age, I was left to move all the furniture, well I had to do it as he was down the pub watching football, when he did come in he said (you should have left that till I was here) even though he was in when I started doing it. Yesterday he did help me clean out the garden shed, but it was all swearing kicking things about I just knew he did not want too do it, he just wants to sit about the house jumping channels when not in the pub. Please advise can you change someone or not
Wondering if I should get married or not, My fiance of 2 years will not do anything in house.?
Hi,in your heart you already know the answer to this,perhaps bacause of your age,you might be thinking " who else will i meet?". Well believe me you will,and some one you deserve! Get rid of the lazy ****. he will always be this way!...Goodluck and be happy!
Reply:If you are asking yourself if you should marry this man, then you already have doubts. The best advice I can give you is, when in doubt.... don't!
And your second question: can you change someone?
If you want to change him, why are you with him?
The only person you have the right to change and the opportunity to change is YOU.
So, you have two choices, and they basically boil down to go or stay.
Go away from him or stay with him.
Go away from your way of thinking and behaviour; or stay with that mind set.
Why are you staying with him? They stopped giving martyrs sainthoods a lot time ago.
You either love him and his quirky ways are endearing; or his quirky ways are going to irritate you more over time.
Perhaps you could examine your needs and then make a decision based on the rest of your life, because no matter if you stay together or part, it is going to affect the rest of your life.
Reply:u have to realise u cant change him.......i thot the same as well but my boyfriend 4 4yrs never changed......We just broke up cos i realised i had no chance in hell of changin him....and plus i ran out of patience. Although a friend of mine who has been married for 9yrs says her husband is way better (character-wise) than he was when they 1st got 2gether......it culd be that hes gettin older or hes actually changed
On he's defence tho.....some guys are laid back (no offence) and always need a push to actually get things done......I'm sure u've got some bad habits he's puttin up wiv
I think u need 2 feel it in ur heart, make sure he's the one........and have a lot of PATIENCE......
No one can make up ur mind 4 u cos at the end of the day its ur life........
hope this helps, good luck
Reply:The thing is if he's not doing these things now when you get married he's still not going to do them and he could use the excuse of before we got married I never used to help around the house so why should I start now. If it's really getting to you then you have to tell him and make him do things around the house. For example stop doing his washing for a week, if he leaves things like dishes around and you have to pick them up then stop doing it and hopefully after a while he will either say something to you about it. OR he will start picking up after himself and start doing things.
The thing is if you don't talk to him about it now, its not going to improve once you are married
Reply:In a word - No.
Get rid of him, sounds like a complete waster.
Reply:you should be marrying someone because you are in love with who they are. the fact you are wondering should you marry him should be ringing enough alarm bells. But the fact you want to marry him then hope to change him???? thats unrealistic, if you marry him, he will naturally think you love him as he is, and quite rightly resent you wanting to change him. Do you think marrying a man is like getting a puppy? take him home and train him?? you sound a strong capable person, why are you hoping to make a man out of this guy? he prefers to be down the pub with the boys, let him go out to play and find a grown up man to love and be a companion through life
Reply:No,you can't change him and he won't change unless he wants to...You are having doubts about marrying him so DON'T !!!
Reply:If ur 49 u shoud know u wont be able to change him. if u hav doubts dont marry him.
Reply:lol sounds like married life already and u aint even married.if you having doubts then dont get married you have to 100% feel happy and be certain about it
Reply:I think you already know the answer to this question,You have nothing good to say about him,so why are you with him?
Reply:It doesn't sound like he's going to change his ways, he lacks the respect and support that you deserve.
Get rid of him!
Reply:i would put the wedding on hold until you are 100% certain he has changed not many men do if you do everything he will never change give him some responsibility i have to with my partner he gets very lazy until my foot goes up his bum but its up to you if you like the way he is then carry on if not tell him to shape up or get out .....................
Reply:Unfortunately, you can't change a person or make them do what you'd like them to do if it's not in them to do it. It's sad that he won't help out, but after 2 years of being with him, did you know this? I would sit him down and have a serious talk with him if I were you. In the long run, you're going to get tired of pulling all of the weight and this might cause problems in the relationship. It would be best to nip it in the bud!
Good Luck!
Reply:Wow, he sounds like a real catch,better snap him up right away before some other unlucky lady gets landed with him...
Reply:Hi, unless you loose your rang and put your foot down he aint going to change. Most men are like this. I dont think its an excuse not to marry him though unless you are seriously not happy. If hes a manly man not a man who loves house work then he will never change they are all the same. But he lives with you now and I suggest you make a few rules. You are engaged there is no need to plann a wedding yet. Just see how it goes. Like some people say when moving with each other you get to see what the other half is really like and unless there willing to accept a few changes in your homw then maybe it wont work.
As all women say, if you want anything doing do it yourself and if they ask you to do something tell them to do it themselves. If you do it yourself if saves your fiance throughing a strop and losing his temper then he will feel gulilty for no helping you when you have done it on your own.
Reply:well men are men they will never do what you want them to do. and no you can't change someone. if it's getting crazy lazyness. i would talk to him and tell him that he has to pull his own weight if he wants to be there, you are not his maid cook decorator. just remember your weight is always gonna be more than his( figuratively i mean). couse men are babys
Reply:Sorry my answer is short and sweet - NO. The idea you are having doubts means in your heart you know yourself it will not work out. Only solution could be a break away from each other for him to sort himself out and if he then agrees you are correct and he genuinely changes his ways could work out. However he should be changed for a long time before the marriage takes place.
Reply:I would say a 'definate NO !!'
Reply:you have to be brave and tell him you are not prepared to spend the rest of your days clearing up after him, he is an adult not a child,if he see's household and garden chores as womens work kick him to the kerb,you should not let him use you as free bed and board, and i am sure you would find yourself another partner in no time.
Reply:Janet, STOP doing things yourself and see how long it is before he asks things like "Whats for dinner?"
When he asks and believe me he will, just say to him "It's the chefs night off. So we're having whatever YOU are cooking"
If he won't cook and gets a takeaway, fine, leave the washing up and get him to do it. If he won't you know where you stand.
When my partner is at work, I do the washing, cleaning, cooking etc and so must HE!
Reply:He'll always be like that, unless you sit him down and discuss it with him. Tell him how you feel when he behaves like that. If he loves you, he'll change. If he doesnt change you have to decide if you want to stay with him or not. He might try turning it into an argument to avoid the issue, so keep your cool. Good luck ;-)
Reply:I've got one of those, too!! I blame his mother! lol
He's 13 years younger than me and we've been together for 10 years (known each other for 16) and I haven't got him trained yet!
Reply:you've been engaged to him for 2 years already and haven't married? i think you have your answer. there is also a 11 yr difference in age. even at 38 he doesn't sound mature enough to be married.
Reply:No you can't and shouldn't even try - don't get married to this guy until he can prove that he loves you and is committed to you. If you are questioning your relationship I think you already have your answer.
Reply:A marriage certificate wont change his pattern of behaviour.
Reply:You've been engaged for two years, why so long? Who keeps putting off the wedding?
He shows no interest in home life or partnership. Does he want to get married? He seems quite happy living in the comfort of your home and behaving like a single man.
He's not ready to get married. Ditch him.
You can't change anyone, by the way. You shouldn't even try.
Reply:If marrying him hangs on him helping you I would say no - do not marry him and do not live with him.
You definitely won't change him.
It is a question of whether you are prepared to put up with a lazy inconsiderate male or are you worth something better!
Good luck whatever you decide.
Reply:If you want to buy a house and that you find a house you don't like because of some detail, would you risk spending the rest of your life in it ?
Reply:I hope you don't marry him. You're going to live with somebody like that for the rest of your life? Give yourself another life.
Reply:in the words of a no doubt song
"i find myself trying to change you
if you were meant to be my lover i wouldn't have to"
Reply:seriously, dont take that from him. if he loves you he will help you with such physical things, he shouldnt sit back and watch you struggle like that.
tell him that you want him to help you more, if he DOES love you and DOES want to marry you he will help. there is no point wasting your life on someone who does not care about your struggles, there are plenty of lovely blokes out there who would probably love to meet you. i hope things work out for the best! good luck! x x x
Nintendo Wii
Wondering if I should get married or not, My fiance of 2 years will not do anything in house.?
Hi,in your heart you already know the answer to this,perhaps bacause of your age,you might be thinking " who else will i meet?". Well believe me you will,and some one you deserve! Get rid of the lazy ****. he will always be this way!...Goodluck and be happy!
Reply:If you are asking yourself if you should marry this man, then you already have doubts. The best advice I can give you is, when in doubt.... don't!
And your second question: can you change someone?
If you want to change him, why are you with him?
The only person you have the right to change and the opportunity to change is YOU.
So, you have two choices, and they basically boil down to go or stay.
Go away from him or stay with him.
Go away from your way of thinking and behaviour; or stay with that mind set.
Why are you staying with him? They stopped giving martyrs sainthoods a lot time ago.
You either love him and his quirky ways are endearing; or his quirky ways are going to irritate you more over time.
Perhaps you could examine your needs and then make a decision based on the rest of your life, because no matter if you stay together or part, it is going to affect the rest of your life.
Reply:u have to realise u cant change him.......i thot the same as well but my boyfriend 4 4yrs never changed......We just broke up cos i realised i had no chance in hell of changin him....and plus i ran out of patience. Although a friend of mine who has been married for 9yrs says her husband is way better (character-wise) than he was when they 1st got 2gether......it culd be that hes gettin older or hes actually changed
On he's defence tho.....some guys are laid back (no offence) and always need a push to actually get things done......I'm sure u've got some bad habits he's puttin up wiv
I think u need 2 feel it in ur heart, make sure he's the one........and have a lot of PATIENCE......
No one can make up ur mind 4 u cos at the end of the day its ur life........
hope this helps, good luck
Reply:The thing is if he's not doing these things now when you get married he's still not going to do them and he could use the excuse of before we got married I never used to help around the house so why should I start now. If it's really getting to you then you have to tell him and make him do things around the house. For example stop doing his washing for a week, if he leaves things like dishes around and you have to pick them up then stop doing it and hopefully after a while he will either say something to you about it. OR he will start picking up after himself and start doing things.
The thing is if you don't talk to him about it now, its not going to improve once you are married
Reply:In a word - No.
Get rid of him, sounds like a complete waster.
Reply:you should be marrying someone because you are in love with who they are. the fact you are wondering should you marry him should be ringing enough alarm bells. But the fact you want to marry him then hope to change him???? thats unrealistic, if you marry him, he will naturally think you love him as he is, and quite rightly resent you wanting to change him. Do you think marrying a man is like getting a puppy? take him home and train him?? you sound a strong capable person, why are you hoping to make a man out of this guy? he prefers to be down the pub with the boys, let him go out to play and find a grown up man to love and be a companion through life
Reply:No,you can't change him and he won't change unless he wants to...You are having doubts about marrying him so DON'T !!!
Reply:If ur 49 u shoud know u wont be able to change him. if u hav doubts dont marry him.
Reply:lol sounds like married life already and u aint even married.if you having doubts then dont get married you have to 100% feel happy and be certain about it
Reply:I think you already know the answer to this question,You have nothing good to say about him,so why are you with him?
Reply:It doesn't sound like he's going to change his ways, he lacks the respect and support that you deserve.
Get rid of him!
Reply:i would put the wedding on hold until you are 100% certain he has changed not many men do if you do everything he will never change give him some responsibility i have to with my partner he gets very lazy until my foot goes up his bum but its up to you if you like the way he is then carry on if not tell him to shape up or get out .....................
Reply:Unfortunately, you can't change a person or make them do what you'd like them to do if it's not in them to do it. It's sad that he won't help out, but after 2 years of being with him, did you know this? I would sit him down and have a serious talk with him if I were you. In the long run, you're going to get tired of pulling all of the weight and this might cause problems in the relationship. It would be best to nip it in the bud!
Good Luck!
Reply:Wow, he sounds like a real catch,better snap him up right away before some other unlucky lady gets landed with him...
Reply:Hi, unless you loose your rang and put your foot down he aint going to change. Most men are like this. I dont think its an excuse not to marry him though unless you are seriously not happy. If hes a manly man not a man who loves house work then he will never change they are all the same. But he lives with you now and I suggest you make a few rules. You are engaged there is no need to plann a wedding yet. Just see how it goes. Like some people say when moving with each other you get to see what the other half is really like and unless there willing to accept a few changes in your homw then maybe it wont work.
As all women say, if you want anything doing do it yourself and if they ask you to do something tell them to do it themselves. If you do it yourself if saves your fiance throughing a strop and losing his temper then he will feel gulilty for no helping you when you have done it on your own.
Reply:well men are men they will never do what you want them to do. and no you can't change someone. if it's getting crazy lazyness. i would talk to him and tell him that he has to pull his own weight if he wants to be there, you are not his maid cook decorator. just remember your weight is always gonna be more than his( figuratively i mean). couse men are babys
Reply:Sorry my answer is short and sweet - NO. The idea you are having doubts means in your heart you know yourself it will not work out. Only solution could be a break away from each other for him to sort himself out and if he then agrees you are correct and he genuinely changes his ways could work out. However he should be changed for a long time before the marriage takes place.
Reply:I would say a 'definate NO !!'
Reply:you have to be brave and tell him you are not prepared to spend the rest of your days clearing up after him, he is an adult not a child,if he see's household and garden chores as womens work kick him to the kerb,you should not let him use you as free bed and board, and i am sure you would find yourself another partner in no time.
Reply:Janet, STOP doing things yourself and see how long it is before he asks things like "Whats for dinner?"
When he asks and believe me he will, just say to him "It's the chefs night off. So we're having whatever YOU are cooking"
If he won't cook and gets a takeaway, fine, leave the washing up and get him to do it. If he won't you know where you stand.
When my partner is at work, I do the washing, cleaning, cooking etc and so must HE!
Reply:He'll always be like that, unless you sit him down and discuss it with him. Tell him how you feel when he behaves like that. If he loves you, he'll change. If he doesnt change you have to decide if you want to stay with him or not. He might try turning it into an argument to avoid the issue, so keep your cool. Good luck ;-)
Reply:I've got one of those, too!! I blame his mother! lol
He's 13 years younger than me and we've been together for 10 years (known each other for 16) and I haven't got him trained yet!
Reply:you've been engaged to him for 2 years already and haven't married? i think you have your answer. there is also a 11 yr difference in age. even at 38 he doesn't sound mature enough to be married.
Reply:No you can't and shouldn't even try - don't get married to this guy until he can prove that he loves you and is committed to you. If you are questioning your relationship I think you already have your answer.
Reply:A marriage certificate wont change his pattern of behaviour.
Reply:You've been engaged for two years, why so long? Who keeps putting off the wedding?
He shows no interest in home life or partnership. Does he want to get married? He seems quite happy living in the comfort of your home and behaving like a single man.
He's not ready to get married. Ditch him.
You can't change anyone, by the way. You shouldn't even try.
Reply:If marrying him hangs on him helping you I would say no - do not marry him and do not live with him.
You definitely won't change him.
It is a question of whether you are prepared to put up with a lazy inconsiderate male or are you worth something better!
Good luck whatever you decide.
Reply:If you want to buy a house and that you find a house you don't like because of some detail, would you risk spending the rest of your life in it ?
Reply:I hope you don't marry him. You're going to live with somebody like that for the rest of your life? Give yourself another life.
Reply:in the words of a no doubt song
"i find myself trying to change you
if you were meant to be my lover i wouldn't have to"
Reply:seriously, dont take that from him. if he loves you he will help you with such physical things, he shouldnt sit back and watch you struggle like that.
tell him that you want him to help you more, if he DOES love you and DOES want to marry you he will help. there is no point wasting your life on someone who does not care about your struggles, there are plenty of lovely blokes out there who would probably love to meet you. i hope things work out for the best! good luck! x x x
Nintendo Wii
Wal*Mart jokes are still funny?
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them
and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
4. Don't bother doing your own shopping. Simply find someone with a full trolley containing roughly the items you need, and when they are not looking take it and go pay for it at the checkout. (this is not stealing, they did not own the items yet, they were simply 'moving them around')
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the
spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit, then arrange them into erotic poses. (be creative with the gift-wrap tubes used in point 6).
9. When there are people behind you, walk really slowly,
especially in thin aisles.
11. Turn all the radios to polka stations; then turn them off
and turn the volume up to full blast.
12. Re-enact a fatal incident involving the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi. I haven't seen
you in so long." etc. See if they play along. Insist on calling them 'Bob', and if they protest, get angry about it (violent if necissary).
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself
loud enough for all to hear, "Who buys this crap anyway?!"
15. When you leave the store, try your car keys in the door of every car in the car park until you get to your own. Then drive off as if this is perfectly normal. (Note- if you don't actually own a car and walked to the store, attempt the above by substituting car keys with your house keys).
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you are
taking it for a test drive.
17. Follow people through the aisles, staying about 5 feet
behind them. Do this until they leave the store.
18. Ask if you can test some super-glue before buying it, then walk around the store gluing random items to other items/customers/staff. For added fun: See how many cashiers you can glue to each-other before any of them notice.
19. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner say "BEEP" in a loud voice. Repeat this for every item, and for other customers items. If the cashier protests, kill them.
20. Take off your shoes and tell them you want to return it and
when they say you didn't buy it there say "The customer is always right dammit!!" Make a scene.
21. Move "Caution : Wet Floor" signs to The parking lot
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from other
aisles.
24. Ask a really fat customer "Son im gonna need that ham back"
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying,
"I'm Batman. Come Robin, to the Batcave."
26. Climb things.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello"
upside down. Once you have mastered this, progress to "boobs".
30. When 2 or 3 people are walking ahead of you, run between
them yelling "Red Rover."
31. Make up nonsense products and ask employees if there are any
in stock. (i.e.: Shnerples). Do a vague hand-mime of what a 'Shnerple' looks like to assist them.
32. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full-scale
battle with G.I. Joe vs. X-men.
33. Take bets on the battle from above.
34. Test the brushes and combs in Cosmetics on all the live animals in Pet-Care.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Put your T-Shirt on top of your head and say "I AM THE GREAT CORNHOLIO! I AM A GRINGO!"
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags against their will.
40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to
your Twinkies."
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: Marco Polo.
43. Leave Cheerios in lawn and garden, pillows in the pet
section, etc.
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's using an alternative alphabet of your choosing.
45. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with
various funnels.
46. When someone steps away from his or her cart to look at
something, quickly place random combinations of items in their cart, such as 'A Large Cucumber and a Tub of Vasceline'.
47. Relax in the patio furniture drinking beer until you get kicked out.
49. Pay off layaways 50 cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. Go to
the food court, buy a drink, and explain that you don't get out
much and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
51. Start playing Football, see how many people you can get to join in.
52. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putiing one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.
53. Play a game of indoor freeze tag.
54. Drive around the entrances screaming out the window "the British are coming! the British are coming!!"
55. Have a team race with your friends- one person sits in the cart, the other pushes.
56. Run into a pyramid of cans, heroically saing "I'm gonna save us from that bomb!"
57. Grab heavy but not too heavy objects, and see who can throw them the most aisles over.
58. Randomly direct people to the deodorant section
59. If people arent looking at their cart, steal it.
60. See how much stuff you can break before you get caught.
Wal*Mart jokes are still funny?
halarious.. i have done a few of these...
Reply:2 free pts wooow!
Reply:i got that in an email 10 years ago, lol, i guess..
Reply:wut the f*ck?
Reply:I was in the eye doctor's office in our local wal-mart the other day, and there was this dude in there getting his glasses fitted....we live in Kentucky and he had this thick (sounded like New Jersey) accent....he was talking to the technician and she ask him if he was allergic to anything, he said:
"yeah, i'm allergic to beer"
"BEER! no?" she replys
"yeah....it makes me break out in black-eyes and handcuffs!"
Reply:no
Reply:ALIENSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...
Reply:You seem to have an obsession with Wal Mart.
Reply:Jeez, I forgot....what was the question?
and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
4. Don't bother doing your own shopping. Simply find someone with a full trolley containing roughly the items you need, and when they are not looking take it and go pay for it at the checkout. (this is not stealing, they did not own the items yet, they were simply 'moving them around')
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the
spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit, then arrange them into erotic poses. (be creative with the gift-wrap tubes used in point 6).
9. When there are people behind you, walk really slowly,
especially in thin aisles.
11. Turn all the radios to polka stations; then turn them off
and turn the volume up to full blast.
12. Re-enact a fatal incident involving the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi. I haven't seen
you in so long." etc. See if they play along. Insist on calling them 'Bob', and if they protest, get angry about it (violent if necissary).
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself
loud enough for all to hear, "Who buys this crap anyway?!"
15. When you leave the store, try your car keys in the door of every car in the car park until you get to your own. Then drive off as if this is perfectly normal. (Note- if you don't actually own a car and walked to the store, attempt the above by substituting car keys with your house keys).
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you are
taking it for a test drive.
17. Follow people through the aisles, staying about 5 feet
behind them. Do this until they leave the store.
18. Ask if you can test some super-glue before buying it, then walk around the store gluing random items to other items/customers/staff. For added fun: See how many cashiers you can glue to each-other before any of them notice.
19. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner say "BEEP" in a loud voice. Repeat this for every item, and for other customers items. If the cashier protests, kill them.
20. Take off your shoes and tell them you want to return it and
when they say you didn't buy it there say "The customer is always right dammit!!" Make a scene.
21. Move "Caution : Wet Floor" signs to The parking lot
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from other
aisles.
24. Ask a really fat customer "Son im gonna need that ham back"
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying,
"I'm Batman. Come Robin, to the Batcave."
26. Climb things.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello"
upside down. Once you have mastered this, progress to "boobs".
30. When 2 or 3 people are walking ahead of you, run between
them yelling "Red Rover."
31. Make up nonsense products and ask employees if there are any
in stock. (i.e.: Shnerples). Do a vague hand-mime of what a 'Shnerple' looks like to assist them.
32. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full-scale
battle with G.I. Joe vs. X-men.
33. Take bets on the battle from above.
34. Test the brushes and combs in Cosmetics on all the live animals in Pet-Care.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Put your T-Shirt on top of your head and say "I AM THE GREAT CORNHOLIO! I AM A GRINGO!"
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags against their will.
40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to
your Twinkies."
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: Marco Polo.
43. Leave Cheerios in lawn and garden, pillows in the pet
section, etc.
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's using an alternative alphabet of your choosing.
45. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with
various funnels.
46. When someone steps away from his or her cart to look at
something, quickly place random combinations of items in their cart, such as 'A Large Cucumber and a Tub of Vasceline'.
47. Relax in the patio furniture drinking beer until you get kicked out.
49. Pay off layaways 50 cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. Go to
the food court, buy a drink, and explain that you don't get out
much and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
51. Start playing Football, see how many people you can get to join in.
52. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putiing one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.
53. Play a game of indoor freeze tag.
54. Drive around the entrances screaming out the window "the British are coming! the British are coming!!"
55. Have a team race with your friends- one person sits in the cart, the other pushes.
56. Run into a pyramid of cans, heroically saing "I'm gonna save us from that bomb!"
57. Grab heavy but not too heavy objects, and see who can throw them the most aisles over.
58. Randomly direct people to the deodorant section
59. If people arent looking at their cart, steal it.
60. See how much stuff you can break before you get caught.
Wal*Mart jokes are still funny?
halarious.. i have done a few of these...
Reply:2 free pts wooow!
Reply:i got that in an email 10 years ago, lol, i guess..
Reply:wut the f*ck?
Reply:I was in the eye doctor's office in our local wal-mart the other day, and there was this dude in there getting his glasses fitted....we live in Kentucky and he had this thick (sounded like New Jersey) accent....he was talking to the technician and she ask him if he was allergic to anything, he said:
"yeah, i'm allergic to beer"
"BEER! no?" she replys
"yeah....it makes me break out in black-eyes and handcuffs!"
Reply:no
Reply:ALIENSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...
Reply:You seem to have an obsession with Wal Mart.
Reply:Jeez, I forgot....what was the question?
Do I sack my maid?
I do keep my place clean, but my Husband throws eggs and mess around. He brought in a maid and now constantly says how wonderful she is and keeps making digs at me. when she came she changed all my furniture around, she keeps my cuboards in a mess, and she keeps talking to my husband in arabic, which I don't yet speak fluently, while we are eating our dinner. If me and my husband are talking, she interupps and he goes off with her to the garden talking and just leaves me there. She is also very giggly around him.
My husband arabic and I english, she complained to him that one day I wanted to eat english food, which is rare as we live in Egypt.
He told me to sack her today so this headache will finish.
I may need her soon as we are trying for a baby, and I have a condition that makes me bedridden for this time. So I need others opinions please.
What do I do, my husband has made me feel insulted, and I feel in competition with another woman, in my own home. does she stay or go?
Do I sack my maid?
Sack her In Egypt people have there position in life and when they start to get friendly they will start taking liberties you come home find them watching TV smoking etc instead of working She knows her position in your home and shes tyring to give herself position that she hasn't been given.
Reply:Why are you trying for a baby with such a man?? Sack this stupid girl and get yourself together before doing anything!! Also get your husband to back you up. This is a ridiculous situation to be in!! Stand up for yourself!!
Reply:I think something has been going on with her and your husband.Sound suspicious to me.Get rid of your husband
Reply:U want to have the cake and eat it too.
Reply:I think she is getting too personal with your family. Get rid of her. You may have to find another or try to do the housework just yourselves. Good luck.
Reply:AHA! the maid wants your husband mostly.
but since he wants you to sack your maid. dont!
i'd rather fire her. and then get another maid that is NOT like the first maid. but you should make her jealous first by ignoring her and not letting your husband know that you are ignoring her for 1 or 2 days. and dont let her get away so easily. dont let her do sneaky things that you dont disagree behing your back like se* with ur husband.
Reply:She has to go! Its your home and you must feel confortable in it. Your husband doesnt sound very supportive.
If he hired her, he should fire her. He should respect you enough to fire her. Be professional and polite.
Reply:Get rid of her and make sure you give her a cr*p reference because she is being totally unprofessional! Teach your husband not to throw things about
Reply:sack the maid !! can't believe she's taking over ur house and trying to get her nasty hands on ur husband, maids clean they dont change ur furniture round like it there home and there's something really strange about he's going off to talk to her in the garden...i would sit down with ur husband n tell him its very disrespectful talking to her in arabic in front of u and letting this ***** tell u what to eat and interupps your conversations with your husband! i think kick her out u can always get sumone who will do as u say! and have a good telling off to ur husband thats so disrespectful how hes treating u!!
Reply:As soon as posssible look a repalcement and ask her to leave and dont have your house help at the table when having your meals. Set the boundaries or risk having the second maid come too much into contact with your husband and the same problem coming up. cos if it happens again your husband will accuse you of being a nag and oversuspisious.
All the best. Let her go NOW!!
Reply:Get rid of her.
Reply:Maid is to close to your husband and does not respect that it is your house obviously. Get rid of the maid find a new old unattractive one that can help you with your house and possible new child interview and make it clear when you do your house your way whoever excepts it give them a try. You are not stuck with this lady she is one in a million.
Reply:I think you're husband is sleeping with your maid. Seriously, they go off talking in the garden? She is giggly around him? Either she wants to sleep with him, or they already have. And your husband may be telling you to fire her because he feels guilty or thinks you may catch on. I say fire her.
Reply:Suggest, employ a maid of YOUR choice; i.e., a maid who is loyal %26amp; sincere to YOU + dedicated to YOUR requirements.
Reply:I would say she goes..but i would also leave him. It is wrong to speak Arabic in front of you. I have felt alot of different people in this world that know how to speak english can do so..It is very hard for others that don't speak it. Sorry I don't know why people marry into other culture as they make it very hard for the white race and can get away with it. But thats the price you pay when you want to marry another culture. there is nothing wrong with it ..if they can treat you with respect and this never happens. I'm not races but I sure don't like what i have seen and heard.
Reply:sack her and hire an old weighty maid that your husband will find unappealing
you are facing disaster if you keep her
statistically 90% of all men who cheat, cheated most during their partner's pregnancy
so to have the giggly bubbly little girl around while you're getting weaker and less able to compete for attentions and affections.... you're implying consent to extramarital activities by allowing her continued presence
by finding a maid / nanny yourself, you can ensure thet the candidate will have the proper qualifications both in experience and appearance. therefore you can calm your worries, and be sure that your child, marriage, home, and family are in well qualified and caring hands.
either that, or you could tell your husband that he can keep her on if he agrees to hire an english buttler of your choosing...
by the by.... you can interview from your bedside if necessary... or for a few hours a day, maybe you can muster the strength to make it to the parlor for interviewing
Reply:This person is ruining your life. Start looking for a new maid and short and sweetly KICK HER OUT!!!
Reply:D*mn...kick her *** out of your house, girl!!! That's F-I-N-A-L.
Reply:Definitely get rid of her. You should never put yourself through this sort of thing. If you're in competition with your husband, plus she's not a good maid in the first place, it all adds up.
You can hire a new maid when the baby comes - don't worry!
Reply:Throw out the husband %26amp; keep the maid.
Reply:kick her to the kirb
if she really was only the made she would not act like this what are they really up to
Reply:stop being a lazy ***** and sack her and do your own cleaning
Reply:Run her off and do it now!
Reply:Get rid of this maid immediately before some thing serious happens. if you need some maid - get one a bit aged around 40-45 who is already married and have children. This is my sincere advice to you. To save your 'home' is yours major responsibility.......... good luck
Reply:BEFORE YOU DO SOMETHING YOU MAY REGRET LATER, SPEAK TO YOUR HUSBAND ABOUT YOUR CONCERNS AND BE VERY HONEST ABOUT THE COMPETITION THING. You might find he doesnt see your view on things but be patient and explain it to him in a way that he will understand , oh and good luck with the babies!
Reply:Being that you've chosen to live in a culture that treats women worse than the ho's in a rap video, you should accept your choice. I'm surprised he hasn't made the maid his 2nd wife yet.
And before you start talking divorce, you better read up on the laws in Egypt, ignorance of the law there could cost you your head.
Reply:Your husband should honor you. Keep this maid until you get a new one. When get a new one, pay the old one and say good bye.
Reply:First off tell her to leave when you too are eating it is very disrespeactful for who to interupt you when talking your her employer set some guidelines and rules. Stop letting her walk all over you if you want english food once in awhile if she knows how she is the maid she is paid to do what you tell her.
Reply:Sack her, get someone else, its easier
Reply:the maid goes if u do need one u can always get another one... one that speeks english and not arabic best of luck
Reply:Your husband throws eggs around ???.....Yes get rid of the maid and make your husband clean his eggs up !
My husband arabic and I english, she complained to him that one day I wanted to eat english food, which is rare as we live in Egypt.
He told me to sack her today so this headache will finish.
I may need her soon as we are trying for a baby, and I have a condition that makes me bedridden for this time. So I need others opinions please.
What do I do, my husband has made me feel insulted, and I feel in competition with another woman, in my own home. does she stay or go?
Do I sack my maid?
Sack her In Egypt people have there position in life and when they start to get friendly they will start taking liberties you come home find them watching TV smoking etc instead of working She knows her position in your home and shes tyring to give herself position that she hasn't been given.
Reply:Why are you trying for a baby with such a man?? Sack this stupid girl and get yourself together before doing anything!! Also get your husband to back you up. This is a ridiculous situation to be in!! Stand up for yourself!!
Reply:I think something has been going on with her and your husband.Sound suspicious to me.Get rid of your husband
Reply:U want to have the cake and eat it too.
Reply:I think she is getting too personal with your family. Get rid of her. You may have to find another or try to do the housework just yourselves. Good luck.
Reply:AHA! the maid wants your husband mostly.
but since he wants you to sack your maid. dont!
i'd rather fire her. and then get another maid that is NOT like the first maid. but you should make her jealous first by ignoring her and not letting your husband know that you are ignoring her for 1 or 2 days. and dont let her get away so easily. dont let her do sneaky things that you dont disagree behing your back like se* with ur husband.
Reply:She has to go! Its your home and you must feel confortable in it. Your husband doesnt sound very supportive.
If he hired her, he should fire her. He should respect you enough to fire her. Be professional and polite.
Reply:Get rid of her and make sure you give her a cr*p reference because she is being totally unprofessional! Teach your husband not to throw things about
Reply:sack the maid !! can't believe she's taking over ur house and trying to get her nasty hands on ur husband, maids clean they dont change ur furniture round like it there home and there's something really strange about he's going off to talk to her in the garden...i would sit down with ur husband n tell him its very disrespectful talking to her in arabic in front of u and letting this ***** tell u what to eat and interupps your conversations with your husband! i think kick her out u can always get sumone who will do as u say! and have a good telling off to ur husband thats so disrespectful how hes treating u!!
Reply:As soon as posssible look a repalcement and ask her to leave and dont have your house help at the table when having your meals. Set the boundaries or risk having the second maid come too much into contact with your husband and the same problem coming up. cos if it happens again your husband will accuse you of being a nag and oversuspisious.
All the best. Let her go NOW!!
Reply:Get rid of her.
Reply:Maid is to close to your husband and does not respect that it is your house obviously. Get rid of the maid find a new old unattractive one that can help you with your house and possible new child interview and make it clear when you do your house your way whoever excepts it give them a try. You are not stuck with this lady she is one in a million.
Reply:I think you're husband is sleeping with your maid. Seriously, they go off talking in the garden? She is giggly around him? Either she wants to sleep with him, or they already have. And your husband may be telling you to fire her because he feels guilty or thinks you may catch on. I say fire her.
Reply:Suggest, employ a maid of YOUR choice; i.e., a maid who is loyal %26amp; sincere to YOU + dedicated to YOUR requirements.
Reply:I would say she goes..but i would also leave him. It is wrong to speak Arabic in front of you. I have felt alot of different people in this world that know how to speak english can do so..It is very hard for others that don't speak it. Sorry I don't know why people marry into other culture as they make it very hard for the white race and can get away with it. But thats the price you pay when you want to marry another culture. there is nothing wrong with it ..if they can treat you with respect and this never happens. I'm not races but I sure don't like what i have seen and heard.
Reply:sack her and hire an old weighty maid that your husband will find unappealing
you are facing disaster if you keep her
statistically 90% of all men who cheat, cheated most during their partner's pregnancy
so to have the giggly bubbly little girl around while you're getting weaker and less able to compete for attentions and affections.... you're implying consent to extramarital activities by allowing her continued presence
by finding a maid / nanny yourself, you can ensure thet the candidate will have the proper qualifications both in experience and appearance. therefore you can calm your worries, and be sure that your child, marriage, home, and family are in well qualified and caring hands.
either that, or you could tell your husband that he can keep her on if he agrees to hire an english buttler of your choosing...
by the by.... you can interview from your bedside if necessary... or for a few hours a day, maybe you can muster the strength to make it to the parlor for interviewing
Reply:This person is ruining your life. Start looking for a new maid and short and sweetly KICK HER OUT!!!
Reply:D*mn...kick her *** out of your house, girl!!! That's F-I-N-A-L.
Reply:Definitely get rid of her. You should never put yourself through this sort of thing. If you're in competition with your husband, plus she's not a good maid in the first place, it all adds up.
You can hire a new maid when the baby comes - don't worry!
Reply:Throw out the husband %26amp; keep the maid.
Reply:kick her to the kirb
if she really was only the made she would not act like this what are they really up to
Reply:stop being a lazy ***** and sack her and do your own cleaning
Reply:Run her off and do it now!
Reply:Get rid of this maid immediately before some thing serious happens. if you need some maid - get one a bit aged around 40-45 who is already married and have children. This is my sincere advice to you. To save your 'home' is yours major responsibility.......... good luck
Reply:BEFORE YOU DO SOMETHING YOU MAY REGRET LATER, SPEAK TO YOUR HUSBAND ABOUT YOUR CONCERNS AND BE VERY HONEST ABOUT THE COMPETITION THING. You might find he doesnt see your view on things but be patient and explain it to him in a way that he will understand , oh and good luck with the babies!
Reply:Being that you've chosen to live in a culture that treats women worse than the ho's in a rap video, you should accept your choice. I'm surprised he hasn't made the maid his 2nd wife yet.
And before you start talking divorce, you better read up on the laws in Egypt, ignorance of the law there could cost you your head.
Reply:Your husband should honor you. Keep this maid until you get a new one. When get a new one, pay the old one and say good bye.
Reply:First off tell her to leave when you too are eating it is very disrespeactful for who to interupt you when talking your her employer set some guidelines and rules. Stop letting her walk all over you if you want english food once in awhile if she knows how she is the maid she is paid to do what you tell her.
Reply:Sack her, get someone else, its easier
Reply:the maid goes if u do need one u can always get another one... one that speeks english and not arabic best of luck
Reply:Your husband throws eggs around ???.....Yes get rid of the maid and make your husband clean his eggs up !
Do you think these are funny?
Sixty-Eight Fun Things to do in Walmart
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3.Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Football; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Run up to an employee (preferrebly a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him " I need some tampons!!"
6. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.
7. Try on bras over top of your clothes.
8. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms
9. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "sex and candy"
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this ****, anyway?"
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.
17. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins. 18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
20. Put M%26amp;M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
24. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
31. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
36. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission:Impossible."
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: "Marco Polo."
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle,etc.
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
46. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them
47. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying "How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
49. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
51. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good bessie."
52. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putiing one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.
53. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something,quickly make off with it without saying a word.
54. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
55. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
56. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
57. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)." When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)."
58. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
59. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
60.When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
61.Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
62.Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
63.Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
64. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
65. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
66. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
67. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
68. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it!
Do you think these are funny?
Very good! I have it in for Wal Mart anyway. This should make my next visit much more interesting. Thanks!
Reply:A lot of time on ones hands? You should suggest those to girls behaving badly, because I have a very strong feeling they would actually do that stuff. Report Abuse
Reply:Yea i think this is pretty funny Report Abuse
Reply:oh my gosh that is hilarious Report Abuse
Reply:I've seen that before...I've tried doing them, but some employees caught me.
Reply:You completely cracked me up!!! Haven't laughed like that in ages - I have tears in my eyes!!! I can just imagine someone doing those things - I'm still laughing as I type this! But............ remind me NEVER to go shopping with you!!
Reply:no
Reply:those are funny like high prices are hilarious
Reply:I loved these. I have actually done many of them, or a variation of them. I loved the on about sacrifices.
Concerning the condom one....that works best with an old woman-putting three or four boxes in her cart.
Reply:Oh my gosh! I love it! I totally cracked up over all the stuff you put up. I probably look like a nut laughing hysterically all by myslef in the house. LMFAO but who cares?! Good job if you made all these things up by yourself...it would be fun to go shopping with you...although i would hide and watch from a distance. LOL.
Reply:I like no.31.. lol
Reply:Hahaha, they're really good! I don't have a Wal Mart, but I have an Asda! *Sly look*...
Reply:I must commend you for writing down 68 things to do.
Reply:these are HILARIOUS!!! i have to do some of them!
Reply:my family's looking at me like im crazy because i was laughing so hard^_^
Reply:That is very halarious!!! lol, lmao, rogl, roglmao!!! im gunna try a few of these!!!
Reply:My friends did all of this at one store because they thought it would be funny. And they got banned from Target, Cosco, Walmart, and most of the malls in southern california.
Reply:yeah, these are pretty funny. it would be awesome to see someone do this.
Reply:some of them were more funny then others,
but there was a problems with 67, i haven't seen a typewriter in a long time, maybe you should put the "/ computers" after the word typewriter.
maybe you add
go to the camera department with a friend and look at the cameras which are connected with the security cord and have your friend act like they are a model and you practice taking pictures.
go to the hardware department and get a step ladder and start walking through the store and see if anyone asks why you have the step ladder...... i need to reach something from the top shelf.
if you speak more than two language, talk to the employee with a foreign language, when they got some one who speaks that language, talk in a different language.
Reply:I think I've shopped behind you before.
Reply:yo jokes are kinda funni
lol
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3.Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Football; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Run up to an employee (preferrebly a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him " I need some tampons!!"
6. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.
7. Try on bras over top of your clothes.
8. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms
9. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "sex and candy"
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this ****, anyway?"
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.
17. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins. 18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
20. Put M%26amp;M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
24. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
31. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
36. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission:Impossible."
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: "Marco Polo."
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle,etc.
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
46. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them
47. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying "How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
49. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
51. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good bessie."
52. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putiing one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.
53. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something,quickly make off with it without saying a word.
54. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
55. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
56. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
57. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)." When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)."
58. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
59. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
60.When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
61.Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
62.Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
63.Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
64. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
65. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
66. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
67. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
68. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it!
Do you think these are funny?
Very good! I have it in for Wal Mart anyway. This should make my next visit much more interesting. Thanks!
Reply:A lot of time on ones hands? You should suggest those to girls behaving badly, because I have a very strong feeling they would actually do that stuff. Report Abuse
Reply:Yea i think this is pretty funny Report Abuse
Reply:oh my gosh that is hilarious Report Abuse
Reply:I've seen that before...I've tried doing them, but some employees caught me.
Reply:You completely cracked me up!!! Haven't laughed like that in ages - I have tears in my eyes!!! I can just imagine someone doing those things - I'm still laughing as I type this! But............ remind me NEVER to go shopping with you!!
Reply:no
Reply:those are funny like high prices are hilarious
Reply:I loved these. I have actually done many of them, or a variation of them. I loved the on about sacrifices.
Concerning the condom one....that works best with an old woman-putting three or four boxes in her cart.
Reply:Oh my gosh! I love it! I totally cracked up over all the stuff you put up. I probably look like a nut laughing hysterically all by myslef in the house. LMFAO but who cares?! Good job if you made all these things up by yourself...it would be fun to go shopping with you...although i would hide and watch from a distance. LOL.
Reply:I like no.31.. lol
Reply:Hahaha, they're really good! I don't have a Wal Mart, but I have an Asda! *Sly look*...
Reply:I must commend you for writing down 68 things to do.
Reply:these are HILARIOUS!!! i have to do some of them!
Reply:my family's looking at me like im crazy because i was laughing so hard^_^
Reply:That is very halarious!!! lol, lmao, rogl, roglmao!!! im gunna try a few of these!!!
Reply:My friends did all of this at one store because they thought it would be funny. And they got banned from Target, Cosco, Walmart, and most of the malls in southern california.
Reply:yeah, these are pretty funny. it would be awesome to see someone do this.
Reply:some of them were more funny then others,
but there was a problems with 67, i haven't seen a typewriter in a long time, maybe you should put the "/ computers" after the word typewriter.
maybe you add
go to the camera department with a friend and look at the cameras which are connected with the security cord and have your friend act like they are a model and you practice taking pictures.
go to the hardware department and get a step ladder and start walking through the store and see if anyone asks why you have the step ladder...... i need to reach something from the top shelf.
if you speak more than two language, talk to the employee with a foreign language, when they got some one who speaks that language, talk in a different language.
Reply:I think I've shopped behind you before.
Reply:yo jokes are kinda funni
lol
Dumb and Funny Warning Labels On Products?
Liquid Plummer
Warning: Do not reuse the bottle to store beverages.
Windex
Do not spray in eyes.
Toilet Plunger
Caution: Do not use near power lines.
Dremel Electric Rotary Tool
This product not intended for use as a dental drill.
Arm %26amp; Hammer Scoopable Cat Litter
Safe to use around pets.
Bowl Fresh
Safe to use around pets and children, although it is not recommended that either be permitted to drink from toilet.
Endust Duster
This product is not defined as flammable by the Consumer Products Safety Commision Regulations. However, this product can be ignited under certain circumstances.
Baby Oil
Keep out of reach of children
Little Ones Baby Lotion
Keep away from children
Hair Coloring
Do not use as an ice cream topping.
Wet-Nap
Directions: Tear open packet and use.
Dial Soap
Directions: Use like regular soap.
Stridex Foaming Face Wash
May contain foam.
Hairdryer:
Do not use while taking a shower.
Old Spice Red Zone Deoderant
Use only on underarms.
Zantac 75
Do not take if allergic to zantac.
Sleeping Pills
Warning: May cause Drowsiness
Christmas Lights
Warning: For indoor or outdoor use only.
Bic Lighter
Ignite lighter away from face.
Komatsu Floodlight
This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark
Fire Extinguisher:
Caution: Non-Flamable
Earplugs
These ear plugs are nontoxic, but may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe
Mattress
Warning: Do not attempt to swallow
Matches
Caution: Contents may catch fire.
Pepper Spray
Caution: Never aim spray at your own eyes.
Auto-Shade Widnshield Visor
Warning: Do not drive with sunshade in place. Remove from windshield before starting ignition.
Fix-a-Flat
WARNING: Do not weld can to rim.
Rain Gauge
Suitable for outdoor use.
RCA Television Remote Control
Not Dishwasher Safe
Pine Mountain Fire Logs
Caution: Risk of fire
Triops Fish Food
Warning: Not for human consumption
Home Depot Treated Lumber
Do not consume
Hair Dryer
Warning: Do not use while sleeping.
Road Sign
Caution water on road during rain.
Camera
This camera will only work when film is inside.
Road Sign
Cemetery Road. Dead End
Church Parking Lot Sign
Thou shalt not park
Children's Superman Costume
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
Silk Soy Milk
Shake well and buy often
Air Conditioner
Caution: Avoid dropping air conditioners out of windows.
Rowenta Iron
Warning: Never iron clothes on the body.
Slush Puppy Cup
This ice may be cold
American Airlines Peanuts
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
Nabisco Easy Cheese
For best results, remove cap.
Swanson TV Dinners
This product must be cooked before eating.
Hershey's Almond Bar
Warning: May contain traces of nuts
Heinz Ketchup
Instructions: Put on food
500-piece puzzle:
Some assembly required.
Beach Ball
CAUTION: It is not a life saving device.
Chainsaw
Do not attempt to stop chain with hands.
Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
Bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
Bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
Hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
Marks %26amp; Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
Packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
String of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children
Helmet mounted mirror used by us cyclists:
Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you
New Zealand insect spray:
This product not tested on animals.
Blanket from taiwan:
not to be used as protection from a tornado
Cardboard windshield sun shade:
Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place.
Infant's bathtub:
Do not throw baby out with bath water.
Package of Fisherman's Friend throat lozenges:
Not meant as substitute for human companionship.
Disposable razor:
Do not use this product during an earthquake.
Bottle of shampoo for dogs
Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish.
Curling Iron
Warning: This product can burn eyes.
Hair Dryer
Do not use in shower.
Hair Dryer
Do not use while sleeping.
Hand-held Massaging Device
Do not use while sleeping or unconscious.
Case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket.
Do not place this product into any electronic equipment.
A toilet at a public sports facility
Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking.
Pair of shin guards made for bicyclists
Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.
Container of Underarm Deodorant.
Caution: Do not spray in eyes.
Aim-n-Flame fireplace lighter.
Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks.
Toner cartridge for a laser printer
Do not eat toner.
13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow
Not intended for highway use.
Can of self-defense pepper spray.
May irritate eyes.
Novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock"
Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth.
A frisbee
Warning: May contain small parts.
A toilet bowl cleaning brush.
Do not use orally.
A birthday card for a 1 year old.
Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less.
Heated seat cushion
Warning: Do not use on eyes.
Microwave Oven:
Do not use for drying pets.
Electric Cattle Prod
For use on animals only.
Can of air freshener.
For use by trained personnel only.
Silly Putty
Do not use as ear plugs.
Knife sharpening stone
Warning: knives are sharp!
Deodorant
Do not use intimately.
Rat Poison
Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice.
Portable stroller
Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage.
Dashboard of a mail truck
Look before driving.
Children's cough medicine
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
Sign at a railroad station
Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.
Bottom of a supermarket dessert box
Do not turn upside down.
Package of dice.
Not for human consumption.
Bottled Drink:
Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth.
Shipment of hammers
May be harmful if swallowed.
Manual for an SGI computer.
Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers.
Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle
Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death.
Electric Thermometer.
Do not use orally after using rectally.
Packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.
Turn off motor before using this product.
6x10 inch inflatable picture frame
Not to be used as a personal flotation device.
Box of bottle rockets
Do not put in mouth.
Wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack
Remove plastic before eating.
Box for a car jack
For lifting purposes only.
Instructions for a cordless phone:
Do not put lit candles on phone.
Small print from car commercial which shows a car in the ocean
Do not drive cars in ocean.
Small print from a car commercial which shows a vehicle "body-surfing" at a concert
Always drive on roads. Not on people.
Bus Stop
No stopping or standing.
Church Sign
These rows reserved for parents with children.
Bag of Fritos
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
Credit card statement.
Payment is due by the due date.
Laundromat triple washer
No small children.
Sign in front of a newly renovated ramp that led to the entrance of a building
Take care: new non-slip surface.
Box of Pills
Take one capsule by mouth three times daily until gone.
Instructions on the packaging for a muffin at a 7-11
Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat.
Can of black pepper.
Instructions: usage known.
Bag of cat biscuits
Simply pour the biscuits into a bowl and allow the cat to eat when it wants.
Car Manual
In order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors.
Espresso Kettle
The appliance is switched on by setting the on/off switch to the 'on' position.
T.V. manual
Do not pour liquids into your television set.
Label on a hammer
Caution - Do not use this hammer to strike any solid object
VCR box
Instructional video on hooking up VCR included.
Toilet brush
Do not use for personal hygiene.
Black rubber fishing worm
Not for human consumption.
Orange Juice Can:
100% pure all-natural fresh-squeezed orange juice from concentrate.
Depend Adult Diapers
Step into underwear and pull them on just like regular underwear.
Furniture Wipes
Do not use for a baby wipe.
Stickers to put on the seat of a potty training toilet
This is not a toy. Stickers require adult supervision.
Lawnmower
Warning: When Motor Is Running - The Blade Is Turning
Instructions on the bottom of a grocery store pizza
Do not turn upside down.
Bottom of a Coca-Cola bottle
Do not open here.
Bottle of bathtub cleaner
For best results, start with clean bathtub before use.
Container of lighter fluid
WARNING: Contents flammable!
Box of household nails
CAUTION! - Do NOT swallow nails! May cause irritation!
Microwave popcorn, packaged so that the directions cannot be read unless you open the plastic and unfold it
Direction #1: Remove plastic.
Drink bottle label
Do not peel label off.
Woolite carpet cleaner
Safe for carpets, too!
Box of Frosted Cheerio's
The logo, "Tastes so good this box never closes," is located just underneath another announcement: "To close: place tab here."
Sterno
Do not use near fire or flame.
Container of salt
Warning: High in sodium
Hose Nozzle
Do not spray into electrical outlet.
Dumb and Funny Warning Labels On Products?
Oh my god, I laughed sooo hard when I was reading these. I have run into some funny ones myself. I think the best one was for some laundry pre-treater: spray on stain and wash.
Like nobody would have figured that one out. LOL
Reply:But these aren't funny... these are there for protection. Report Abuse
Reply:These aren't for protection. The companies only put this on their products to prevent lawsuits. Report Abuse
Reply:their were 2 many Report Abuse
Reply:oh my i did have a giggle Report Abuse
Reply:There's one for the baby oil because unsupervised young children can inhale the oil which can coat the inside of their lungs and obstruct breathing. Report Abuse
Reply:LMAO!!!!!!heres some just like those.
on package of peanuts
WARNING:CONTAINS NUTS
on a box of bread pudding
product will be hot after heating
on a bathrooms hand dryer
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS!
in a maternaty ward
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED!!
on repair shop door
we can fix anything (please knock,bell out of order)
Reply:LOL very funny
Reply:You spent some time on this and I did get a laugh from it. Thanks.
Reply:That is sooo funny! Did you know that the reason all of these are warnings, is because someone actually did them? It's crazy to think about how ignorant people can be. Thanks for the laugh..
Reply:Wow, that's alot... I like some of them!
Reply:Good, but way tooooooooooooooo long!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reply:HONDA ONLY
we service and repair all
cars foreign and domestic
Reply:someone has a lot of time
DOG
Warning: Do not reuse the bottle to store beverages.
Windex
Do not spray in eyes.
Toilet Plunger
Caution: Do not use near power lines.
Dremel Electric Rotary Tool
This product not intended for use as a dental drill.
Arm %26amp; Hammer Scoopable Cat Litter
Safe to use around pets.
Bowl Fresh
Safe to use around pets and children, although it is not recommended that either be permitted to drink from toilet.
Endust Duster
This product is not defined as flammable by the Consumer Products Safety Commision Regulations. However, this product can be ignited under certain circumstances.
Baby Oil
Keep out of reach of children
Little Ones Baby Lotion
Keep away from children
Hair Coloring
Do not use as an ice cream topping.
Wet-Nap
Directions: Tear open packet and use.
Dial Soap
Directions: Use like regular soap.
Stridex Foaming Face Wash
May contain foam.
Hairdryer:
Do not use while taking a shower.
Old Spice Red Zone Deoderant
Use only on underarms.
Zantac 75
Do not take if allergic to zantac.
Sleeping Pills
Warning: May cause Drowsiness
Christmas Lights
Warning: For indoor or outdoor use only.
Bic Lighter
Ignite lighter away from face.
Komatsu Floodlight
This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark
Fire Extinguisher:
Caution: Non-Flamable
Earplugs
These ear plugs are nontoxic, but may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe
Mattress
Warning: Do not attempt to swallow
Matches
Caution: Contents may catch fire.
Pepper Spray
Caution: Never aim spray at your own eyes.
Auto-Shade Widnshield Visor
Warning: Do not drive with sunshade in place. Remove from windshield before starting ignition.
Fix-a-Flat
WARNING: Do not weld can to rim.
Rain Gauge
Suitable for outdoor use.
RCA Television Remote Control
Not Dishwasher Safe
Pine Mountain Fire Logs
Caution: Risk of fire
Triops Fish Food
Warning: Not for human consumption
Home Depot Treated Lumber
Do not consume
Hair Dryer
Warning: Do not use while sleeping.
Road Sign
Caution water on road during rain.
Camera
This camera will only work when film is inside.
Road Sign
Cemetery Road. Dead End
Church Parking Lot Sign
Thou shalt not park
Children's Superman Costume
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
Silk Soy Milk
Shake well and buy often
Air Conditioner
Caution: Avoid dropping air conditioners out of windows.
Rowenta Iron
Warning: Never iron clothes on the body.
Slush Puppy Cup
This ice may be cold
American Airlines Peanuts
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
Nabisco Easy Cheese
For best results, remove cap.
Swanson TV Dinners
This product must be cooked before eating.
Hershey's Almond Bar
Warning: May contain traces of nuts
Heinz Ketchup
Instructions: Put on food
500-piece puzzle:
Some assembly required.
Beach Ball
CAUTION: It is not a life saving device.
Chainsaw
Do not attempt to stop chain with hands.
Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
Bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
Bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
Hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
Marks %26amp; Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
Packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
String of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children
Helmet mounted mirror used by us cyclists:
Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you
New Zealand insect spray:
This product not tested on animals.
Blanket from taiwan:
not to be used as protection from a tornado
Cardboard windshield sun shade:
Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place.
Infant's bathtub:
Do not throw baby out with bath water.
Package of Fisherman's Friend throat lozenges:
Not meant as substitute for human companionship.
Disposable razor:
Do not use this product during an earthquake.
Bottle of shampoo for dogs
Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish.
Curling Iron
Warning: This product can burn eyes.
Hair Dryer
Do not use in shower.
Hair Dryer
Do not use while sleeping.
Hand-held Massaging Device
Do not use while sleeping or unconscious.
Case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket.
Do not place this product into any electronic equipment.
A toilet at a public sports facility
Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking.
Pair of shin guards made for bicyclists
Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.
Container of Underarm Deodorant.
Caution: Do not spray in eyes.
Aim-n-Flame fireplace lighter.
Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks.
Toner cartridge for a laser printer
Do not eat toner.
13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow
Not intended for highway use.
Can of self-defense pepper spray.
May irritate eyes.
Novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock"
Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth.
A frisbee
Warning: May contain small parts.
A toilet bowl cleaning brush.
Do not use orally.
A birthday card for a 1 year old.
Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less.
Heated seat cushion
Warning: Do not use on eyes.
Microwave Oven:
Do not use for drying pets.
Electric Cattle Prod
For use on animals only.
Can of air freshener.
For use by trained personnel only.
Silly Putty
Do not use as ear plugs.
Knife sharpening stone
Warning: knives are sharp!
Deodorant
Do not use intimately.
Rat Poison
Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice.
Portable stroller
Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage.
Dashboard of a mail truck
Look before driving.
Children's cough medicine
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
Sign at a railroad station
Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.
Bottom of a supermarket dessert box
Do not turn upside down.
Package of dice.
Not for human consumption.
Bottled Drink:
Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth.
Shipment of hammers
May be harmful if swallowed.
Manual for an SGI computer.
Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers.
Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle
Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death.
Electric Thermometer.
Do not use orally after using rectally.
Packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.
Turn off motor before using this product.
6x10 inch inflatable picture frame
Not to be used as a personal flotation device.
Box of bottle rockets
Do not put in mouth.
Wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack
Remove plastic before eating.
Box for a car jack
For lifting purposes only.
Instructions for a cordless phone:
Do not put lit candles on phone.
Small print from car commercial which shows a car in the ocean
Do not drive cars in ocean.
Small print from a car commercial which shows a vehicle "body-surfing" at a concert
Always drive on roads. Not on people.
Bus Stop
No stopping or standing.
Church Sign
These rows reserved for parents with children.
Bag of Fritos
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
Credit card statement.
Payment is due by the due date.
Laundromat triple washer
No small children.
Sign in front of a newly renovated ramp that led to the entrance of a building
Take care: new non-slip surface.
Box of Pills
Take one capsule by mouth three times daily until gone.
Instructions on the packaging for a muffin at a 7-11
Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat.
Can of black pepper.
Instructions: usage known.
Bag of cat biscuits
Simply pour the biscuits into a bowl and allow the cat to eat when it wants.
Car Manual
In order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors.
Espresso Kettle
The appliance is switched on by setting the on/off switch to the 'on' position.
T.V. manual
Do not pour liquids into your television set.
Label on a hammer
Caution - Do not use this hammer to strike any solid object
VCR box
Instructional video on hooking up VCR included.
Toilet brush
Do not use for personal hygiene.
Black rubber fishing worm
Not for human consumption.
Orange Juice Can:
100% pure all-natural fresh-squeezed orange juice from concentrate.
Depend Adult Diapers
Step into underwear and pull them on just like regular underwear.
Furniture Wipes
Do not use for a baby wipe.
Stickers to put on the seat of a potty training toilet
This is not a toy. Stickers require adult supervision.
Lawnmower
Warning: When Motor Is Running - The Blade Is Turning
Instructions on the bottom of a grocery store pizza
Do not turn upside down.
Bottom of a Coca-Cola bottle
Do not open here.
Bottle of bathtub cleaner
For best results, start with clean bathtub before use.
Container of lighter fluid
WARNING: Contents flammable!
Box of household nails
CAUTION! - Do NOT swallow nails! May cause irritation!
Microwave popcorn, packaged so that the directions cannot be read unless you open the plastic and unfold it
Direction #1: Remove plastic.
Drink bottle label
Do not peel label off.
Woolite carpet cleaner
Safe for carpets, too!
Box of Frosted Cheerio's
The logo, "Tastes so good this box never closes," is located just underneath another announcement: "To close: place tab here."
Sterno
Do not use near fire or flame.
Container of salt
Warning: High in sodium
Hose Nozzle
Do not spray into electrical outlet.
Dumb and Funny Warning Labels On Products?
Oh my god, I laughed sooo hard when I was reading these. I have run into some funny ones myself. I think the best one was for some laundry pre-treater: spray on stain and wash.
Like nobody would have figured that one out. LOL
Reply:But these aren't funny... these are there for protection. Report Abuse
Reply:These aren't for protection. The companies only put this on their products to prevent lawsuits. Report Abuse
Reply:their were 2 many Report Abuse
Reply:oh my i did have a giggle Report Abuse
Reply:There's one for the baby oil because unsupervised young children can inhale the oil which can coat the inside of their lungs and obstruct breathing. Report Abuse
Reply:LMAO!!!!!!heres some just like those.
on package of peanuts
WARNING:CONTAINS NUTS
on a box of bread pudding
product will be hot after heating
on a bathrooms hand dryer
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS!
in a maternaty ward
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED!!
on repair shop door
we can fix anything (please knock,bell out of order)
Reply:LOL very funny
Reply:You spent some time on this and I did get a laugh from it. Thanks.
Reply:That is sooo funny! Did you know that the reason all of these are warnings, is because someone actually did them? It's crazy to think about how ignorant people can be. Thanks for the laugh..
Reply:Wow, that's alot... I like some of them!
Reply:Good, but way tooooooooooooooo long!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reply:HONDA ONLY
we service and repair all
cars foreign and domestic
Reply:someone has a lot of time
DOG
Which house should I move to? :-/?
Here is the case, I have to move out cause I can not afford the rent anymore. My only two options are, either move to my grandparents house, which is pretty much comfy since it has its private garden and this would be cool for my dog, but the furniture gives me the feeling I want to cry, it is a very very old house, everything needs to be fixed and I can't do that since it is the family house so I can't modify everything, plus it is very close to Dad's house and I am afraid he might start to interfere into my daily life again. The other option is move to an apartment that belongs to Dad but he considers it mine already, it is empty so I will have to sell my car to furnish it, it would feel like my own house and I will totally personalize it freely, but, money-wise it will be very tough cause I will be far from my folks so it will be kinda hard to ask 4 money every now and then, also, for my folks moving next to them is like I am making them happy..
Which house should I move to? :-/?
Live with your grandparents and invest in some paint and shop at thrift shops for some fresher looking furniture that doesn't cost alot. Good luck :)
Reply:I would go with your Dad's apartment thing. Eventually if you work double shifts and stuff you could buy a cheap car, but for the meantime take a bus i guess.
Which house should I move to? :-/?
Live with your grandparents and invest in some paint and shop at thrift shops for some fresher looking furniture that doesn't cost alot. Good luck :)
Reply:I would go with your Dad's apartment thing. Eventually if you work double shifts and stuff you could buy a cheap car, but for the meantime take a bus i guess.
Are you Bored?
474 Things To Do When You're Bored
- Wax the ceiling
- Rearrange political campaign signs
- Sharpen your teeth
- Play Houdini with one of your siblings
- Braid your dog's hair
- Clean and polish your belly button
- Water your dog...see if he grows
- Wash a tree
- Knight yourself
- Name your child Edsel
- Scare Stephen King
- Give your cat a mohawk
- Purr
- Mow your carpet
- Play Pat Boone records backwards
- Vacuum your lawn
- Sleep on a bed of nails
- DON'T toss and turn
- Boil ice cream
- Run around in squares
- Think of quadruple entendres
- Speak in acronyms
- Have your pillow X-rayed
- Drink straight shots...of water
- Calmly have a nervous breakdown
- Give your goldfish a perm
- Fly a brick
- Play tag...on West 35th Street
- Exorcise a ghost
- Exercise a ghost
- Be blue
- Be red
- But don't be orange
- Plant a shoe
- Sweat
- Give a Rorschach test to your gerbil
- Turn
- Write a letter to Plato
- Mail it
- Take your sofa for a walk
- Start
- Stop
- Dial 911 and breathe heavily
- Go to a funeral...tell jokes
- Play the piano...with mittens on
- Scheme
- Sit
- Stay
- Water your family room
- Cause a power failure
- Roll over
- Play dead
- Find a witch
- Burn her
- Donate your brother's body to science
- Ask why
- Wriggle
- Regress
- Sleepwalk without sleeping
- Try to join Hell's Angels by mail
- Wonder
- Be a square root
- Ask stupid questions
- Weld your car doors shut
- Spew
- Vacation at Three-Mile Island
- Surf Ohio
- Teach your pet rock to play dead
- Go bowling for small game
- Be a monk...for a day
- Wear a sweatband to your wedding
- Staple
- Run away
- Intimidate a piece of chalk
- Abuse the plumbing
- Bend a florescent light
- Bend a brick
- Annoy total strangers
- Let the best man win
- Believe in Santa Claus
- Throw marshmallows against the wall
- Hold an ice cube as long as possible
- Adopt strange mannerisms
- Blow up a balloon until it pops
- Sing soft and sweet and clear
- Sing loud and sour and gravely
- Open everything
- Balance a pencil on your nose
- Pour milk in your shoes
- Write graffiti under the rug
- Embarrass yourself
- Grind your teeth
- Chew ice
- Count your belly button
- Sit in a row
- Stack crumbs
- Gesture
- Save your toenail clippings
- Make a pass at your blender
- Punt
- Make up words that start with X
- Make oatmeal in the bathtub
- Search for the Lost Chord
- Chew on a sofa cushion
- Sing a duet
- Balance a pillow on your head
- Hold your breath
- Faint
- Stretch
- Flash your mailman
- Teach your TA English
- Learn to speak Farsi
- Swear in Russian
- Use an eraser until it goes away
- Disassemble your car
- Put it together inside out
- Record your walls
- Interview your feet
- Make a list of your favorite fungi
- Sell formaldehyde
- Repeat
- Ad lib
- Fade
- File your teeth - Whine
- Rake your carpet
- Re-elect Richard Nixon
- Critique "Three's Company"
- Listen to a painting
- Play with matches
- Buff your cat
- Race ferrets
- Paint your house...Day-Glow Orange
- Have a formal dinner at White Castle
- Read Homer in the original Greek
- Learn Greek
- Change your mind
- Change it back
- Watch the sun...see if it moves
- Build a pyramid
- Stand on your head
- Stand on someone else's head
- Spit shine your Nikes
- See how long you can stay awake
- See how long you can sleep
- Paint your teeth
- Wear a salad
- Speak with a forked tongue
- Paint stripes on a lake
- Ski Kansas
- Sleep in freefall
- Kill a Joule
- Test thin ice...with a pogo stick
- Apply for a unicorn hunting license
- Do a good job
- Crawl
- Invite the Mansons over for dinner
- Paint your windows
- Watch a watch until it stops
- Flash your goldfish
- Paint
- Flirt with an evergreen
- Smile
- Rotate your garden...daily
- Paint a smile
- Shoot a fire hydrant
- Apologize to it
- Pretend you're blind
- Annoy yourself
- Get mad at yourself
- Stop speaking to yourself
- Be a side effect
- Ride a bicycle...up Mt. McKinley
- Duck
- Redecorate...your garage
- Develop a complex
- Join the Army...be someone simple
- Try harder
- Hit the deck
- Put leg-warmers on your furniture
- Cut the deck
- Crumple
- Translate Shakespeare into English
- Skydive to church
- Cheer up a potato
- Do aerobic exercises...in your head
- Play cards with your swimming pool
- Pinstripe your driveway
- Play Kick the Fire Hydrant
- Harness chipmunk power
- Build a house with ice cubes
- Call London for a cab
- Mug a stop sign
- Change your name...daily
- Go for a walk in your attic
- Challenge your neighbor to a duel
- Build a house out of toothpicks
- Howl
- Wear a lampshade on your head
- Memorize the dictionary
- Stomp grapes in the bathtub
- Find a bug and chase it
- Make yourself a pair of wings
- Be immobile
- Dance 'til you drop
- Check under chairs for chewing gum
- Squish a loaf of bread
- Moo
- Bounce a potato
- Outmaneuver your shadow
- Climb the walls
- Appreciate everything
- Challenge yourself to a duel
- Make napalm
- Tattoo your dresser
- Watch a bowling ball
- Buy some diapers
- Eat everything
- Begin
- Pour milk in the sink
- Make cottage cheese
- Tie-dye your sheets
- Carpet your ceiling
- Hold your earlobes
- Fold your earlobes
- Flap
- Squawk
- Read tea leaves
- Analyze the Koran
- Be Buddha
- Award yourself a Nobel Peace Prize
- Plug in the cat
- Turn on everything
- Drop pebbles down the chimney
- Turn off your neighbor
- Kill a plant
- Buy a 1931 Almanac
- Memorize the weather section
- Think lewd thoughts about yourself
- Blow bubbles
- Send chills down your spine
- Peel grapes
- Make paper from the skins
- Bloat
- Catch them with your radiator
- Get run over by a train of thought
- Make up famous sayings
- Bite your pinkie - Get your dog braces
- Shave a shrub
- Have a proton fight
- Watch a car rust
- Quiver
- Rotate your carpet
- Learn to type...with your toes
- Set up your Christmas tree in April
- Be someone special
- Buy the Brooklyn Bridge
- Mail it to a friend
- Go back to square one
- Factor your social security number
- Take the fifth
- Memorize a series of random numbers
- Read the 1962 Des Moines white pages
- Join the Foreign Legion
- Learn Sanskrit
- Exist...existentially, of course
- Print counterfeit Confederate money
- Kick a cabbage
- Take a picture
- Put it back
- Sandpaper a mushroom
- Play solitaire...for cash
- Abuse your patio furniture
- Run for Pope
- Count to a million...fast
- Make a schematic drawing...of a rock
- Commit seppuku...with a paper knife
- Revert
- Think shallow thoughts
- Starch your shoes
- Polish your Calvin's
- Contemplate a cockroach
- Get a dog to chase your car
- Let him catch it
- Investigate the Czar
- Form a political party
- Climb a sidewalk
- Have a political party
- Get diagonal...with a good friend
- Ride a loaf of bread
- Sharpen a carrot
- Interrogate a gerbil
- Go bow hunting for Toyotas
- Kidnap Cabbage Patch Kids
- Jump back
- Play to lose
- Scalp a street light
- Have your car painted...plaid
- Read a tomato
- Sharpen your sleeping skills
- Watch a game show...take notes
- Put out a fire
- If you can't find a fire, make one
- Interview a cloud
- Play tiddlywinks...go for blood
- Play basketball...in a minefield
- Don't talk to things
- Draw Lewis structures on your ceiling
- Have your cat bronzed
- Have your gerbil gilded
- Write books about writing books
- Create random equations
- Mispell words
- Tell your feet a joke
- Throw a tomato into a fan
- Sing the ABC song backwards
- Pretend you're a dog
- Dial-a-prayer and argue with it
- Grease the doorknobs
- String up a room
- Stack furniture
- Relive fond memories
- Tie your shoelaces together
- Gargle
- Count your teeth with your tongue
- Decay
- Find your half-life
- Design a better toilet seat
- Shred a newspaper
- Have a headache
- Scratch
- Sniff
- Hatch an egg
- Play air guitar
- Act profound
- Spill
- Spell
- Stare
- Truncate
- Slouch
- Develop hearing problems
- Put your feet behind your head
- Tie bows in everything
- Hold your hand
- Watch the minute hand move
- Grow your fingernails
- Pretend you're a telephone
- Ring
- Radiate
- Skip
- Play hopscotch...with real scotch
- Clock the velocity of your REMs
- Put your shoes on the opposite feet
- Cross your toes
- Roll your tongue
- Crystallize
- Baby oil the floor
- Hide
- Attack innocent bunnies
- Declare war
- Destroy a tree
- Hide the scrabble bag
- Seduce your stick shift
- Wink
- Memorize the periodic table
- Mummify
- Pretend you're a roadie
- Buy a Ginsu knife
- Collect electrons
- Correct typos that aren't there
- Polish your neck...use Pledge
- Recopy the Bible substituting your name for God
- Loosen the lug nuts on your dad's new car
- Drop your cat off the roof to see if it lands on all four feet
- Count the bags under Walter Mondale's eyes
- Unscrew all the lightbulbs and rearrange the furniture
- Found the Jim Jones School of Bartending
- Listen for non-satanic messages (i.e. "Drink milk")
- Dress like Motley Crue...surprise your grandmother
- Dial-a-Prayer and tell them they're wrong
- Go into a bar and ask for a Molotov Cocktail
- Learn everything there is to know about the Holy Roman Empire
- Make a drive-in window at your local bank where there wasn't one before
- Walk on water...but don't get caught
- Confess to a crime...that didn't happen
- Be in the wrong place at the right time
- Plot the overthrow of your local School Board
- Request covert assistance from the CIA
- Discover the source of the Mississippi
- Search for buried treasure...in Nebraska
- Hot wax the bottom of your brother's dress shoes
- Preach the philosophy of Marx...Groucho, that is
- Drink as much prune juice as you can
- Write a book about your previous life
- Serve ping-pong balls...as hors d'oeuvres
- Jump up and down...on your alarm clock
- Make a quilt out of used cocktail napkins
- Sterilize your stereo...with Jack Daniels
- Carve you and your girlfriend's initials...in a marshmallow
- Drive the speed limit...in your garage
- Sing the national anthem...during your calculus final
- Wear a three-piece suit...in a sauna
- Pay off the national debt...with a bad check
- Go to a cemetary and verbally abuse dead people
- Give yourself a hernia...for Christmas
- Defend your neighborhood from roving Mongol hordes
- Recite romantic poetry...to your toaster
- See if you really can build a nuclear device in your own basement
- Go to McDonald's and pretend you can't speak English
- Write to your congressmen, senators, President, etc. to tell them what a good
- job they're doing...On April 1st
- Find the heat capacity of your chemistry professor
- Take apart all your major kitchen appliances...mix and match them
- Turn your TV picture tube upside down
- Phone in a death threat on President Kennedy
- Put lighted EXIT signs on all your closets
- Carry a tune...drop it, see if it breaks
- Be planar...but don't tell your parents
- Play hockey with your little cousin...as the puck
- Make a deal with the devil...but keep your fingers crossed
- Put instant concrete in your big brother's waterbed
- Give a lecture on the historical significance of cream cheese
- Debate politics with a fern
- See how small you can scrunch your face - Sell firewood door to door...in Atlantis
- Found the TLO (Toledo Liberation Organization)
- Play nuclear chicken with a small third world nation
- Raise professional certified racing turnips
- Give your grandmother a raise and another day of paid vacation
- Lead an aerobics class...for patients of the I.C.U.
- Go to a drive-in movie in a tank
- Go to a non-drive-in movie in a tank and drive in anyway
- Send President Reagan an alarm clock...wind it up first
- Found a cockroach stable and stud ranch
- Send your goldfish to obedience school
- Free the oppressed toasters of America
- Weave a tablecloth out of copper tubing
- Give your cat a suntan...in the microwave
- Park your car...with a friend
- Park your car...with a group of friends
- Frame your first statement of bankruptcy
- Place it on the wall of your office
- Solve the population problem (x^2 + y^2 = population...solve for x)
- Contribute to the population problem
- Wear a T-shirt that says "I'll walk on you to see The Who" and a peace sign
- Practice the Aztec method of heart removal on your professor
- Find out who made the super glue commercials and give them your Ginsu knife
- Get Ronco and K-tel to merge...they sell the same stuff anyway
- Sneak into a nuclear physics lab and stay the night
- Play with anything that looks interesting
- Drop piston engines on two people and see who squishes first
- See if your goldfish can live in Coors rather than water
- Try to ignite water...the Mississippi might work
- Draw Venn diagrams...screw them up
- State fallacies as fact (like, "peanuts grow on bushes")
- Visit the Architecture building...loudly criticize its design
- Make a schematic drawing...of a rock
- Wallpaper your laundry room...with pages from books you don't like
- See if diamonds really do cut glass...on everything in your neighbor's house
- Tenderize your tongue...chew on it for a while
- See how long you can stare at a fluorescent light...try green
- Bronze your sister's turtle
- See how long it takes for her to notice
- See what she does when she notices
- Bronze your sister- If you lose, stop watering it and try again.
- Increase your territorial holdings by force
- Find out how many ways there really are to skin a cat
- Boldly go where no man has gone before
- Be a threat to the American way of life
- Do research into the cause of World War III
- Be a threat to the Northwestern Tibetan way of life
- Re-establish the Roman Empire...in Pittsburgh
Are you Bored?
most of that stuff i cant do b/c im at work
Reply:what a scream! If anyone could scare Stephen King that would be a real achievement! You are very creative. Love it! Report Abuse
Reply:I would rather play a round of Scrabble at Scrabulous!
Reply:Interesting, but you could always play the pingu bashing game... my whole office is hooked.
http://www.flumps.org/funny/bloodypingu/
P.S. salmon
Reply:i guess you are unemployed
Reply:I like the, "Pay off the national debt...with a bad check" and "Phone in a death threat on President Kennedy
Reply:lol... very original good stuff.
Reply:I'd like a Molotov cocktail please barkeep.
Reply:OK, didn't read all of these because too long...but...
puuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...
That should answer your question. ;-)
- Wax the ceiling
- Rearrange political campaign signs
- Sharpen your teeth
- Play Houdini with one of your siblings
- Braid your dog's hair
- Clean and polish your belly button
- Water your dog...see if he grows
- Wash a tree
- Knight yourself
- Name your child Edsel
- Scare Stephen King
- Give your cat a mohawk
- Purr
- Mow your carpet
- Play Pat Boone records backwards
- Vacuum your lawn
- Sleep on a bed of nails
- DON'T toss and turn
- Boil ice cream
- Run around in squares
- Think of quadruple entendres
- Speak in acronyms
- Have your pillow X-rayed
- Drink straight shots...of water
- Calmly have a nervous breakdown
- Give your goldfish a perm
- Fly a brick
- Play tag...on West 35th Street
- Exorcise a ghost
- Exercise a ghost
- Be blue
- Be red
- But don't be orange
- Plant a shoe
- Sweat
- Give a Rorschach test to your gerbil
- Turn
- Write a letter to Plato
- Mail it
- Take your sofa for a walk
- Start
- Stop
- Dial 911 and breathe heavily
- Go to a funeral...tell jokes
- Play the piano...with mittens on
- Scheme
- Sit
- Stay
- Water your family room
- Cause a power failure
- Roll over
- Play dead
- Find a witch
- Burn her
- Donate your brother's body to science
- Ask why
- Wriggle
- Regress
- Sleepwalk without sleeping
- Try to join Hell's Angels by mail
- Wonder
- Be a square root
- Ask stupid questions
- Weld your car doors shut
- Spew
- Vacation at Three-Mile Island
- Surf Ohio
- Teach your pet rock to play dead
- Go bowling for small game
- Be a monk...for a day
- Wear a sweatband to your wedding
- Staple
- Run away
- Intimidate a piece of chalk
- Abuse the plumbing
- Bend a florescent light
- Bend a brick
- Annoy total strangers
- Let the best man win
- Believe in Santa Claus
- Throw marshmallows against the wall
- Hold an ice cube as long as possible
- Adopt strange mannerisms
- Blow up a balloon until it pops
- Sing soft and sweet and clear
- Sing loud and sour and gravely
- Open everything
- Balance a pencil on your nose
- Pour milk in your shoes
- Write graffiti under the rug
- Embarrass yourself
- Grind your teeth
- Chew ice
- Count your belly button
- Sit in a row
- Stack crumbs
- Gesture
- Save your toenail clippings
- Make a pass at your blender
- Punt
- Make up words that start with X
- Make oatmeal in the bathtub
- Search for the Lost Chord
- Chew on a sofa cushion
- Sing a duet
- Balance a pillow on your head
- Hold your breath
- Faint
- Stretch
- Flash your mailman
- Teach your TA English
- Learn to speak Farsi
- Swear in Russian
- Use an eraser until it goes away
- Disassemble your car
- Put it together inside out
- Record your walls
- Interview your feet
- Make a list of your favorite fungi
- Sell formaldehyde
- Repeat
- Ad lib
- Fade
- File your teeth - Whine
- Rake your carpet
- Re-elect Richard Nixon
- Critique "Three's Company"
- Listen to a painting
- Play with matches
- Buff your cat
- Race ferrets
- Paint your house...Day-Glow Orange
- Have a formal dinner at White Castle
- Read Homer in the original Greek
- Learn Greek
- Change your mind
- Change it back
- Watch the sun...see if it moves
- Build a pyramid
- Stand on your head
- Stand on someone else's head
- Spit shine your Nikes
- See how long you can stay awake
- See how long you can sleep
- Paint your teeth
- Wear a salad
- Speak with a forked tongue
- Paint stripes on a lake
- Ski Kansas
- Sleep in freefall
- Kill a Joule
- Test thin ice...with a pogo stick
- Apply for a unicorn hunting license
- Do a good job
- Crawl
- Invite the Mansons over for dinner
- Paint your windows
- Watch a watch until it stops
- Flash your goldfish
- Paint
- Flirt with an evergreen
- Smile
- Rotate your garden...daily
- Paint a smile
- Shoot a fire hydrant
- Apologize to it
- Pretend you're blind
- Annoy yourself
- Get mad at yourself
- Stop speaking to yourself
- Be a side effect
- Ride a bicycle...up Mt. McKinley
- Duck
- Redecorate...your garage
- Develop a complex
- Join the Army...be someone simple
- Try harder
- Hit the deck
- Put leg-warmers on your furniture
- Cut the deck
- Crumple
- Translate Shakespeare into English
- Skydive to church
- Cheer up a potato
- Do aerobic exercises...in your head
- Play cards with your swimming pool
- Pinstripe your driveway
- Play Kick the Fire Hydrant
- Harness chipmunk power
- Build a house with ice cubes
- Call London for a cab
- Mug a stop sign
- Change your name...daily
- Go for a walk in your attic
- Challenge your neighbor to a duel
- Build a house out of toothpicks
- Howl
- Wear a lampshade on your head
- Memorize the dictionary
- Stomp grapes in the bathtub
- Find a bug and chase it
- Make yourself a pair of wings
- Be immobile
- Dance 'til you drop
- Check under chairs for chewing gum
- Squish a loaf of bread
- Moo
- Bounce a potato
- Outmaneuver your shadow
- Climb the walls
- Appreciate everything
- Challenge yourself to a duel
- Make napalm
- Tattoo your dresser
- Watch a bowling ball
- Buy some diapers
- Eat everything
- Begin
- Pour milk in the sink
- Make cottage cheese
- Tie-dye your sheets
- Carpet your ceiling
- Hold your earlobes
- Fold your earlobes
- Flap
- Squawk
- Read tea leaves
- Analyze the Koran
- Be Buddha
- Award yourself a Nobel Peace Prize
- Plug in the cat
- Turn on everything
- Drop pebbles down the chimney
- Turn off your neighbor
- Kill a plant
- Buy a 1931 Almanac
- Memorize the weather section
- Think lewd thoughts about yourself
- Blow bubbles
- Send chills down your spine
- Peel grapes
- Make paper from the skins
- Bloat
- Catch them with your radiator
- Get run over by a train of thought
- Make up famous sayings
- Bite your pinkie - Get your dog braces
- Shave a shrub
- Have a proton fight
- Watch a car rust
- Quiver
- Rotate your carpet
- Learn to type...with your toes
- Set up your Christmas tree in April
- Be someone special
- Buy the Brooklyn Bridge
- Mail it to a friend
- Go back to square one
- Factor your social security number
- Take the fifth
- Memorize a series of random numbers
- Read the 1962 Des Moines white pages
- Join the Foreign Legion
- Learn Sanskrit
- Exist...existentially, of course
- Print counterfeit Confederate money
- Kick a cabbage
- Take a picture
- Put it back
- Sandpaper a mushroom
- Play solitaire...for cash
- Abuse your patio furniture
- Run for Pope
- Count to a million...fast
- Make a schematic drawing...of a rock
- Commit seppuku...with a paper knife
- Revert
- Think shallow thoughts
- Starch your shoes
- Polish your Calvin's
- Contemplate a cockroach
- Get a dog to chase your car
- Let him catch it
- Investigate the Czar
- Form a political party
- Climb a sidewalk
- Have a political party
- Get diagonal...with a good friend
- Ride a loaf of bread
- Sharpen a carrot
- Interrogate a gerbil
- Go bow hunting for Toyotas
- Kidnap Cabbage Patch Kids
- Jump back
- Play to lose
- Scalp a street light
- Have your car painted...plaid
- Read a tomato
- Sharpen your sleeping skills
- Watch a game show...take notes
- Put out a fire
- If you can't find a fire, make one
- Interview a cloud
- Play tiddlywinks...go for blood
- Play basketball...in a minefield
- Don't talk to things
- Draw Lewis structures on your ceiling
- Have your cat bronzed
- Have your gerbil gilded
- Write books about writing books
- Create random equations
- Mispell words
- Tell your feet a joke
- Throw a tomato into a fan
- Sing the ABC song backwards
- Pretend you're a dog
- Dial-a-prayer and argue with it
- Grease the doorknobs
- String up a room
- Stack furniture
- Relive fond memories
- Tie your shoelaces together
- Gargle
- Count your teeth with your tongue
- Decay
- Find your half-life
- Design a better toilet seat
- Shred a newspaper
- Have a headache
- Scratch
- Sniff
- Hatch an egg
- Play air guitar
- Act profound
- Spill
- Spell
- Stare
- Truncate
- Slouch
- Develop hearing problems
- Put your feet behind your head
- Tie bows in everything
- Hold your hand
- Watch the minute hand move
- Grow your fingernails
- Pretend you're a telephone
- Ring
- Radiate
- Skip
- Play hopscotch...with real scotch
- Clock the velocity of your REMs
- Put your shoes on the opposite feet
- Cross your toes
- Roll your tongue
- Crystallize
- Baby oil the floor
- Hide
- Attack innocent bunnies
- Declare war
- Destroy a tree
- Hide the scrabble bag
- Seduce your stick shift
- Wink
- Memorize the periodic table
- Mummify
- Pretend you're a roadie
- Buy a Ginsu knife
- Collect electrons
- Correct typos that aren't there
- Polish your neck...use Pledge
- Recopy the Bible substituting your name for God
- Loosen the lug nuts on your dad's new car
- Drop your cat off the roof to see if it lands on all four feet
- Count the bags under Walter Mondale's eyes
- Unscrew all the lightbulbs and rearrange the furniture
- Found the Jim Jones School of Bartending
- Listen for non-satanic messages (i.e. "Drink milk")
- Dress like Motley Crue...surprise your grandmother
- Dial-a-Prayer and tell them they're wrong
- Go into a bar and ask for a Molotov Cocktail
- Learn everything there is to know about the Holy Roman Empire
- Make a drive-in window at your local bank where there wasn't one before
- Walk on water...but don't get caught
- Confess to a crime...that didn't happen
- Be in the wrong place at the right time
- Plot the overthrow of your local School Board
- Request covert assistance from the CIA
- Discover the source of the Mississippi
- Search for buried treasure...in Nebraska
- Hot wax the bottom of your brother's dress shoes
- Preach the philosophy of Marx...Groucho, that is
- Drink as much prune juice as you can
- Write a book about your previous life
- Serve ping-pong balls...as hors d'oeuvres
- Jump up and down...on your alarm clock
- Make a quilt out of used cocktail napkins
- Sterilize your stereo...with Jack Daniels
- Carve you and your girlfriend's initials...in a marshmallow
- Drive the speed limit...in your garage
- Sing the national anthem...during your calculus final
- Wear a three-piece suit...in a sauna
- Pay off the national debt...with a bad check
- Go to a cemetary and verbally abuse dead people
- Give yourself a hernia...for Christmas
- Defend your neighborhood from roving Mongol hordes
- Recite romantic poetry...to your toaster
- See if you really can build a nuclear device in your own basement
- Go to McDonald's and pretend you can't speak English
- Write to your congressmen, senators, President, etc. to tell them what a good
- job they're doing...On April 1st
- Find the heat capacity of your chemistry professor
- Take apart all your major kitchen appliances...mix and match them
- Turn your TV picture tube upside down
- Phone in a death threat on President Kennedy
- Put lighted EXIT signs on all your closets
- Carry a tune...drop it, see if it breaks
- Be planar...but don't tell your parents
- Play hockey with your little cousin...as the puck
- Make a deal with the devil...but keep your fingers crossed
- Put instant concrete in your big brother's waterbed
- Give a lecture on the historical significance of cream cheese
- Debate politics with a fern
- See how small you can scrunch your face - Sell firewood door to door...in Atlantis
- Found the TLO (Toledo Liberation Organization)
- Play nuclear chicken with a small third world nation
- Raise professional certified racing turnips
- Give your grandmother a raise and another day of paid vacation
- Lead an aerobics class...for patients of the I.C.U.
- Go to a drive-in movie in a tank
- Go to a non-drive-in movie in a tank and drive in anyway
- Send President Reagan an alarm clock...wind it up first
- Found a cockroach stable and stud ranch
- Send your goldfish to obedience school
- Free the oppressed toasters of America
- Weave a tablecloth out of copper tubing
- Give your cat a suntan...in the microwave
- Park your car...with a friend
- Park your car...with a group of friends
- Frame your first statement of bankruptcy
- Place it on the wall of your office
- Solve the population problem (x^2 + y^2 = population...solve for x)
- Contribute to the population problem
- Wear a T-shirt that says "I'll walk on you to see The Who" and a peace sign
- Practice the Aztec method of heart removal on your professor
- Find out who made the super glue commercials and give them your Ginsu knife
- Get Ronco and K-tel to merge...they sell the same stuff anyway
- Sneak into a nuclear physics lab and stay the night
- Play with anything that looks interesting
- Drop piston engines on two people and see who squishes first
- See if your goldfish can live in Coors rather than water
- Try to ignite water...the Mississippi might work
- Draw Venn diagrams...screw them up
- State fallacies as fact (like, "peanuts grow on bushes")
- Visit the Architecture building...loudly criticize its design
- Make a schematic drawing...of a rock
- Wallpaper your laundry room...with pages from books you don't like
- See if diamonds really do cut glass...on everything in your neighbor's house
- Tenderize your tongue...chew on it for a while
- See how long you can stare at a fluorescent light...try green
- Bronze your sister's turtle
- See how long it takes for her to notice
- See what she does when she notices
- Bronze your sister- If you lose, stop watering it and try again.
- Increase your territorial holdings by force
- Find out how many ways there really are to skin a cat
- Boldly go where no man has gone before
- Be a threat to the American way of life
- Do research into the cause of World War III
- Be a threat to the Northwestern Tibetan way of life
- Re-establish the Roman Empire...in Pittsburgh
Are you Bored?
most of that stuff i cant do b/c im at work
Reply:what a scream! If anyone could scare Stephen King that would be a real achievement! You are very creative. Love it! Report Abuse
Reply:I would rather play a round of Scrabble at Scrabulous!
Reply:Interesting, but you could always play the pingu bashing game... my whole office is hooked.
http://www.flumps.org/funny/bloodypingu/
P.S. salmon
Reply:i guess you are unemployed
Reply:I like the, "Pay off the national debt...with a bad check" and "Phone in a death threat on President Kennedy
Reply:lol... very original good stuff.
Reply:I'd like a Molotov cocktail please barkeep.
Reply:OK, didn't read all of these because too long...but...
puuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...
That should answer your question. ;-)
What do you think? funny?
Yes it is long!
How to give the cat a pill
Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How to give the dog a pill
Wrap it in bacon.
What do you think? funny?
too long to be funny.....
Reply:i like it
Reply:That's the funniest thing I've read for a long time. Used to have a cat like that. Thanks for cheering me up. lol
Reply:your fliping nuts girl
but very funny
Reply:LOL
9/10
Keep smilin'.
Reply:I love it! Quite similar is "Cat and Dog Diaries:"
Diaries of a cat and a dog
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY
Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape,and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 762... Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time, however, it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes filled with what they call "beer." More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Alas, due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured...for now.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time....
Day 775 - The horrors! The worse creature my captors could have devised to torment me with was another hideous cat! I can't stand the way it lies around and looks at me as if it knows more than I do. This creature seems to despise me as much as I it. I had held out a passing notion that another of my own kind would have enabled me to conspire against the villains who hold me; now I see that I was wrong. What a dreadful creature! And yet they coo over us both. Can they not spot my innate superiority?
Day 776 - The other cat and I, though we can not stand one another, have yet managed to both pee copiously behind the couch, on the so-called "shag" carpet. I have taken a lesson from my rival and begun sleeping on top of my captors' heads in the hope of suffocating them.
Day 777 - The wardens take much interest in our ****. They make sure they sift through the sand and pick it all out. Their interest in **** does not surprise me. After all, they like the dog.
Day 778 - The other cat seems to have an interest in copulation, which (thank them for their sadism) my captors will soon "fix". Told him of the fingernail torture, and he didn't even believe me. I showed him my mutilated paws and he gasped in horror. Then I broke the bad news. "You know why that dog licks his nuts?" I said, "It's because he still has nuts to lick, if you catch my drift." I fully support the horrors my captors will inflict upon my fellow captive, tearing away his manhood as they soon will.
Day 779 - Yes, they are monsters, but I am so happy. They fixed the other cat. It's sadistic, it's sick, it's inhuman, it's what their great leader "Bob Barker" commands, but -- the Sphinx be praised -- I support it wholeheartedly!
Day 780 - Got stoned on cat nip tonight. At the height of it all, I had a vision, a hallucenogenic revelation: they are the prisoners and I am the captor! Why haven't I seen this all before?
Reply:soso
Reply:that's awesome!! seen it before, but i still luv it! :D
(anyone who says its too long 2 b funny, go read a 'See Spot Run' book.... it might have jokes u understand!)
and people wonder why i have 2 dogs, but no cats??
Reply:Good one.
Reply:It is funny but to be laugh out loud you need to make it smaller.
Reply:HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! I like it!!
Reply:Good one and I've a cat so it's true.!!!
Also a parrot named Polly(African Grey).!!!
Come to South Africa for the 2010 World CUP we promise power failures and lots of robberies and everything that's bad.!!!
Welcome to Africa.!!!
Reply:Since I share my house with cats, not only is this funny but true.
Reply:Not funny - just rather nauseatingly silly.
Reply:hehe, all you needed was the last two lines
Reply:thankyou im new on here iv never laughed so much in a long time and iv noticed your jokes are really funny
Reply:I always thought dogs were better than cats!
Mildly amusing, are you American? Where i live we don't have neighbors!
Reply:too long for me to even read. i am real lazy, 5 line is way too much to read so yours is WAY WAY WAY WAY WAY too long.
sorry!!!!!
Reply:too long and the sequence is predictable.
but for the effort it's nice.
Reply:very funny and so true
How to give the cat a pill
Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How to give the dog a pill
Wrap it in bacon.
What do you think? funny?
too long to be funny.....
Reply:i like it
Reply:That's the funniest thing I've read for a long time. Used to have a cat like that. Thanks for cheering me up. lol
Reply:your fliping nuts girl
but very funny
Reply:LOL
9/10
Keep smilin'.
Reply:I love it! Quite similar is "Cat and Dog Diaries:"
Diaries of a cat and a dog
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY
Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape,and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 762... Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time, however, it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes filled with what they call "beer." More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Alas, due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured...for now.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time....
Day 775 - The horrors! The worse creature my captors could have devised to torment me with was another hideous cat! I can't stand the way it lies around and looks at me as if it knows more than I do. This creature seems to despise me as much as I it. I had held out a passing notion that another of my own kind would have enabled me to conspire against the villains who hold me; now I see that I was wrong. What a dreadful creature! And yet they coo over us both. Can they not spot my innate superiority?
Day 776 - The other cat and I, though we can not stand one another, have yet managed to both pee copiously behind the couch, on the so-called "shag" carpet. I have taken a lesson from my rival and begun sleeping on top of my captors' heads in the hope of suffocating them.
Day 777 - The wardens take much interest in our ****. They make sure they sift through the sand and pick it all out. Their interest in **** does not surprise me. After all, they like the dog.
Day 778 - The other cat seems to have an interest in copulation, which (thank them for their sadism) my captors will soon "fix". Told him of the fingernail torture, and he didn't even believe me. I showed him my mutilated paws and he gasped in horror. Then I broke the bad news. "You know why that dog licks his nuts?" I said, "It's because he still has nuts to lick, if you catch my drift." I fully support the horrors my captors will inflict upon my fellow captive, tearing away his manhood as they soon will.
Day 779 - Yes, they are monsters, but I am so happy. They fixed the other cat. It's sadistic, it's sick, it's inhuman, it's what their great leader "Bob Barker" commands, but -- the Sphinx be praised -- I support it wholeheartedly!
Day 780 - Got stoned on cat nip tonight. At the height of it all, I had a vision, a hallucenogenic revelation: they are the prisoners and I am the captor! Why haven't I seen this all before?
Reply:soso
Reply:that's awesome!! seen it before, but i still luv it! :D
(anyone who says its too long 2 b funny, go read a 'See Spot Run' book.... it might have jokes u understand!)
and people wonder why i have 2 dogs, but no cats??
Reply:Good one.
Reply:It is funny but to be laugh out loud you need to make it smaller.
Reply:HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! I like it!!
Reply:Good one and I've a cat so it's true.!!!
Also a parrot named Polly(African Grey).!!!
Come to South Africa for the 2010 World CUP we promise power failures and lots of robberies and everything that's bad.!!!
Welcome to Africa.!!!
Reply:Since I share my house with cats, not only is this funny but true.
Reply:Not funny - just rather nauseatingly silly.
Reply:hehe, all you needed was the last two lines
Reply:thankyou im new on here iv never laughed so much in a long time and iv noticed your jokes are really funny
Reply:I always thought dogs were better than cats!
Mildly amusing, are you American? Where i live we don't have neighbors!
Reply:too long for me to even read. i am real lazy, 5 line is way too much to read so yours is WAY WAY WAY WAY WAY too long.
sorry!!!!!
Reply:too long and the sequence is predictable.
but for the effort it's nice.
Reply:very funny and so true
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